Date: September 8, 2017
Location: On train from Athens to Corinthos to Loutraki
Twenty minutes on the bus, forty minutes on the metro, two suburban trains later, and I’m almost back to where I began.
Looking out the window, there were planes flying over. I think I passed a small airport, I think it was a training area. I tried to get a photo for him, but I failed.
Further the train moved, over the sea. I felt sad, because seeing those planes was not something I could describe with real-time words. There is currently mild dilatation in my peripheral subarachniod spaces, mainly around my frontal and temporal lobes - I’m tripping here. Besides, I’m growing tired of words. Tired of photos. Tired of distance. Of all I could be, and everything I am capable of, I am tired of not being able to. So before my heart hurts, I retreat to the warmth of memory - the Summer sun.
When I am outside, out of nowhere, an invisible arrow strikes my senses and I feel him in the sunlight; feel him in the moonlight. With all the chaos around me, some in my control, some not; it’s in his presence I find focus. I can see in the dark and I see a light. This light is warm and feels like home - not a physical home, but like a familiar star to ancient sailors, being guided at sea. This light doesn’t force me, doesn’t beckon me, but is a gentle guide.
Lately, I’ve had this looping dream in my head; lets sneak onto the playground under the moonlight and let's sit there because I still have so much to tell you and I want to know everything about you. It’s like returning “home” after a thousand years...and with you, I feel very much myself. I don’t pause, I don’t stop - I feel whole.
There I was, walking through space and time, calling out for something. I walked through a door and suddenly there he was, with all the logic and clarity I had sought – I had thought myself alone. I kept thinking, “does he feel this too? Is this my imagination?”
I analyze the psychology of my emotions and behavior - what am I doing? And after searching my mind and heart with a flashlight: my conclusion is that everything I feel is genuine, healthy, and pure. I feel so free. It is him and all he is.
Perhaps this life is preparing us for the next and I pray he will be there...I could never imagine a life without him, my pilot.